How to Develop a Strong Sense of Self

We all have an image of ourselves, and thoughts on how we are seen by others. Our sense of self has an impact on how we feel and how we approach life around us. With the noise of life and constant messages from others showing and telling us how our lives should be, it can be hard to connect with who we uniquely are. Quite often, we will let the opinions of others influence our thoughts and decisions.

An underdeveloped sense of self can lead to trying to please everyone around you. You may lose yourself in a relationship with your partner. You may keep quiet when someone is crossing your boundaries and as a result, feel resentful. When criticized, it might affect you so much that you change your thoughts to conform with others, or quit the activity that you are doing.

Knowing yourself and becoming confident in who you are will help you make decisions in life that align with what you care about. It will help you dull the noise and focus on what matters - to you. A strong sense of self allows you to trust your abilities and judgement. You will release the things that don’t feel right for you, creating space for what truly matters.

How to develop a strong sense of self

Turn inwards
The first step to understanding yourself is to rediscover who you are. Over time, we are influenced by others - through school, at work, in our relationships and through social media. Looking within and asking ourselves questions about what we care about, our values, talents and strengths, and what we need to function our best will help us reconnect with who we authentically are.

My Self Awareness Workbook will help you with this process.

Turning inwards from time to time will help you stay focused and have a clear understanding of who you are.

Pause before saying yes

We may say yes to others and their demands because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. Or to something that goes against our beliefs or values. Doing this often can leave us feeling exhausted, frustrated and feeling powerless.

Pause before responding to a request. Replying with something like ‘Can I get back to you?’ gives you time to reflect on the request and decide if it aligns with what you care about. It gives you space to decide if it is something you would like to do.

Be aware of your thoughts

Notice when you talk down to yourself and talk yourself out of things. When our sense of self is low, our mind has a way of making us fear situations. Our thoughts can prevent us from taking on challenges, making us feel small or inadequate.

Observe and reframe negative thoughts. As we get better at this skill, we dial down the negative thoughts and replace them with more helpful thoughts that build our confidence and self-worth.

See the beauty within yourself

We sometimes only see the negatives and things we wish to change about ourselves. But within all of us, there is light and beauty. You may be kind, empathetic, creative, loving or joyful. Pay attention to the moments when you share this light. Acknowledge the beautiful parts about yourself more often. Acknowledging the good within ourselves can help build confidence and strengthen our sense of self.

Heal past wounds

Many of us carry times of hurt from our past into our present. You may have had a parent talk down to you or children at school picking on and teasing you. These moments can be damaging and bring down self-esteem. Rather than continue to carry hurt with you, talking with a therapist to help you process those feelings can help you move beyond them. A therapist can help you learn the skills to change negative self-talk and help you strengthen your sense of self.

It can take time to develop our sense of self. Especially if it has weakened over the years. With so much going on around us, developing our sense of self is an ongoing process. Taking a moment to pause and reconnect with who we are will help us develop our sense of self and live a life according to our dreams, and not those of others.