Is Perfectionism Running Your Life?
Anybody who battles with perfectionism knows how exhausting it can be. You constantly question yourself. Each decision is a challenge. You worry what others will think of you and you stop yourself from doing a lot that might help you move forward in life.
I know how debilitating it can be because I am a perfectionist too.
I stop myself from sharing parts of who I am, for fear that I won’t measure up. I stop myself from making decisions in my career that might help me move forward because I worry that it’s the wrong path. I stop myself from showing my face online to support my photography and writing because I see all the imperfections.
As a perfectionist, you have extremely high standards for yourself that are nearly impossible to achieve consistently. It’s an all-or-nothing mindset and it’s very hard to settle for anything less than perfect. You often procrastinate, and don’t attempt things for fear of failure, or being looked at by others in a negative way. You also tend to rely on the praise of others, basing your worth on their opinions.
You can be a perfectionist who never starts something. Self-doubt is immediate and you stop doing something before you even get started. Or you can be a perfectionist who does get started on a goal, but who finishes feeling less than satisfied with what you created or completed.
Being stuck in the space of never pushing forward can be paralysing. It can stop you from experiencing all the good things life has to offer, and from reaching your dreams. When you constantly worry about making mistakes or being laughed at by others, self-doubt consumes you. It can result in increased anxiety and internal stress. It can sadly lead to helplessness and depression.
While perfectionism causes a lot of angst, it isn’t all bad. It can help us achieve and create work at a high level. But if we go through life always feeling unfulfilled and like we are not enough as we are, then it’s something we need to address and work on. It can affect our relationships with others and it can leave us feeling exhausted. It can also affect our physical health.
Like anxiety, perfectionism isn’t something we can make disappear. We all have certain traits and it’s a part of who we are. But like anxiety, we can get better at managing perfectionism so that it doesn’t run our life. Here are a few ways how:
Step out of the bubble and look at things objectively
When we find ourselves in a bubble of perfectionism, it’s important to try to step out of it. It helps me to imagine myself lifting up and away from my physical body and looking down at myself and the worries that are consuming me.
Ask a series of questions:
Are you catastrophising and jumping to conclusions?
Do you know for sure what others are thinking?
Do you know for certain that the decision is the wrong one?
What is the worst thing that can happen?
In the grand scheme of things, does it matter?
By asking ourselves questions, we begin to relax into the uncertainty of a situation. We see that even the worst-case isn’t so bad and we are more likely to push forward rather than procrastinate or stifle.
Notice the good things about yourself
Too often we are critical of ourselves and only see our flaws. We have this bar of where we should be, yet always seem to fall short. But what about all the good things about ourselves? We all have them, and it’s important to remind ourselves of what makes us the person we are.
Are you a loving parent?
Do your work colleagues look to you for your professional opinion?
Do you create beauty that inspires others?
Can you run and move your body freely?
Are you a caring friend?
We might not feel that we are achieving or doing well in a certain area, but there are many areas that we are doing well in and it’s important to remind ourselves of them. Our self-worth doesn’t have to be determined by one single part of ourselves. We are many things and have much to offer the world and those around us.
Practise aiming for good enough
Quite often as perfectionists, we aim for 100%. The decision has to be perfect. Our home must be tidy and immaculate. The dinner we host has to be restaurant standard. The report we are writing has to be completely free of flaws.
Because we aim so high, it can stop us from getting things done. And it causes a great deal of stress in the process.
Leave the house a little messy
Hit publish on an article after checking it only twice
Share your thoughts in a meeting, even if it might not be completely accurate
Eat out at a restaurant without researching how good it is
Share a photo of yourself on social media that shows your wrinkles
We often think that others will judge us if what we do isn’t 100% perfect. But they are caught up in their thoughts and life so aren’t focussing on everything that you do. The more we let little things here-and-there slide, the better we get at being okay with “good enough.”
Recognise your progress
I’ve written a post before about progress and how important it is to look at the gain, rather than the gap. When we look at our past achievements, we see how far we have grown and progressed. We are more likely to feel a greater sense of fulfilment when we focus on the gain, rather than honing in on perceived failures, or our unrealised dreams.
How has your home improved from the time you first moved in?
What have you learned in your line of work that was new to you a year ago?
What have you discovered about life that you didn’t realise before?
What have you changed in your diet that has helped improve your health?
What have you learned from a difficult experience?
You may not have achieved the one thing you had all your hopes and dreams set on, but there are many wonderful things that you have accomplished and learned throughout life. Take notice of them and allow yourself to feel joy and satisfaction for these past achievements.
Perfectionism doesn’t have to run our lives. It’s there, but we can lean into it with understanding and a soft heart. The more we practise lowering our bar of expectation, the better we become at accepting ourselves for who we are, flaws and all. None of us is perfect. It’s important to remember that there is much beauty in imperfection.