Letting go of control

Friday, October 12, 2012

Anybody who knows me knows that I try to control everything. It’s not something that I’m particularly proud of but it’s part of who I am. This time last year I was trying to control my body. Reid and I were hoping for a little one but it wasn’t happening. Growing up I always thought it would be so easy. You are told to be careful of falling pregnant. But nobody really said it might take a while.

I’ve spent countless nights on my iPhone looking up forums of other women talking about a similar difficulty. I tried to cut this and that out of my diet, started fertility yoga, and talked to a number of doctors. Tears fell on many occasions with Reid by my side. Why is it that I can control so many other things in my life but I can’t control this? What is wrong with me? Are we not fit to be parents? Why is it so easy for some? Many questions went through my mind over and over, often making it difficult to sleep.

Months went by and I was beginning to lose hope. Maybe it will never happen. Has age crept up on me and I missed my window? I always pictured a family of my own but never imagined life without it. Can I be happy and accept that maybe I won’t be a mother?

I don’t know exactly what thoughts were running through Reid’s mind. He is a quiet thinker and always a tower of strength. The positive one saying it will happen. Saying we are doing all we can. And probably more able to accept only two of us being a family.

In July I turned 32. It was on that morning that I found out I was pregnant. As you can imagine it was a pretty amazing day. The smile couldn’t be wiped off my face for over an hour. And every hour I was asking myself if it was real. Of course as the day went on so did my thoughts. What if I’m a bad mother? What if we can’t afford it? Where will we be living? We are still so young. Like I said, it’s part of who I am. While celebrating over dinner I could see the fear in Reid’s eyes also. I wasn’t alone in my thoughts.

I’m happy to say I’m now 17 weeks along. It has been a roller coaster of a ride. The 2 months of morning sickness, changing body, constant craving for salty things and incredibly weird dreams. As hard as it is to actually believe it is real, that there really is a little person inside there, I often find my hand on my stomach now waiting for that little nudge to make themselves known.

I’m not sure if my trying to control things will ever change. But I’m slowly learning that sometimes the most amazing things will happen on their own.

  • Anile | Girlfriday

    Oh, how lovely – congratulations to all three of you :) Letting go is a huge life lesson, on so many levels. What a wonderful birthday gift to you! Hope you continue to feel better, and that you are able to enjoy the ride. Worrying is normal, just make sure there’s room for the happy stuff too :)

    • chantelle

      Thanks Anile :) It’s an amazing gift. I know in time I’ll feel more settled and I’m looking forward to seeing what the future brings.

  • Leela Brett

    Dear Chantelle,

    After catering your and Reid’s wedding, I came across your blog, which I just love, and visit every few months ( Like today, a lazy post-wedding Saturday morning)

    I am ecstatic to hear that you and Reid are having a baby! I did not have that much contact with you, as you were such and easy going bride, but I just thought you two were the sweetest and most genuine couple. When I catered your wedding, I was going through IVF, and Chris and I now have a sister for Tegen, little Disha!

    I know you will be amazing parents, so the only advice I will give you is this: enjoy your quiet simple pleasures as much as you can….reading fashion magazines on the couch, quiet walks in the woods, shopping for clothes ( for yourself!- go accessories, bags, shoes, they will still work- post baby!) and going out to dinner to nice restaurants.

    All the best in your families new adventure!

    Kind regards,


    • chantelle

      Hi Leela, it’s so nice to hear from you! What a beautiful message. It’s interesting, you feel so alone going through the process of trying to fall pregnant but there are many of us. I feel for any woman out there who has to go through it.

      I’m so happy to hear you have two little ones. And I love your advice so will be sure to take it on board!

      I hope you are well and business is good. If I plan on having a classy dinner I’ll be sure to contact you again. You really made the night special x

  • Carly

    Congratulations, that is such exciting news! I also am more comfortable when I can have at least some degree of control. It makes things so much more predictable and easier to respond when and if things take a different path. But there is a lot to learn from those things we can’t control. In my case, the challenge is a visa application for my German husband that has me running in circles around the paperwork and bureaucracy. Thanks for the reminder that control isn’t always necessary and things can work out in their own, sweet time. I hope you soon find yourself feeling better!

  • Emily

    Congratulations! That was such a heartfelt blog post. Best of the luck to the 2 of you on this new adventure. (gosh how cliche does that sound??)

    Can’t wait to see how the blog will evolve with this change!


  • la domestique

    Congratulations! Thanks for sharing your story and this happy news! It’s ironic how we grow up taking it for granted that we will have babies, and even fearing the unplanned ones, then when we want them, it’s not always so easy. Who knows what the future will bring? The only thing that’s for sure is that your little one will be so loved, and that’s all he or she really needs. :)

  • christelle is flabbergasting

    Such a sincere and beautiful post! Of course, you’ll be a… flabbergasting mom !

  • Coralie

    Hi Chantelle, your words are so moving and beautiful! I was close to tears reading it! I wish you the best!

  • Josephine

    Wow, congratulations! I love the title and message of this post. I’m learning to let go of things beyond my control as well, and so far, I’ve had the most wonderful surprises.

  • Frances

    Hi Chantelle
    I’m from Brisbane and I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years now. This post makes me teary. I’m so happy for you – it is such a roller coaster, the whole “trying” thing. And such a high to be pregnant. I also found out on my birthday! What a gift. My son is now one and I feel so grateful and blessed for the opportunity to be his mum. You will find your feet instinctually. I think your blog is divine, and your photography and magazines are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing. Take care. :) Frances

  • Chantale

    Congratulations! Life is never really planned is it? Once you have your little one, you will see that it is better to let go and let it happen than controlling every single thing. Otherwise, you’ll never enjoy the moment. My girl will soon turn 8 and I’ve learned that lesson the hard way (but a long time ago, lol). Enjoy the peace and quiet now! : )

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