Letting go of control
Anybody who knows me knows that I try to control everything. It’s not something that I’m particularly proud of but it’s part of who I am. This time last year I was trying to control my body. Reid and I were hoping for a little one but it wasn’t happening. Growing up I always thought it would be so easy. You are told to be careful of falling pregnant. But nobody really said it might take a while.
I’ve spent countless nights on my iPhone looking up forums of other women talking about a similar difficulty. I tried to cut this and that out of my diet, started fertility yoga, and talked to a number of doctors. Tears fell on many occasions with Reid by my side. Why is it that I can control so many other things in my life but I can’t control this? What is wrong with me? Are we not fit to be parents? Why is it so easy for some? Many questions went through my mind over and over, often making it difficult to sleep.
Months went by and I was beginning to lose hope. Maybe it will never happen. Has age crept up on me and I missed my window? I always pictured a family of my own but never imagined life without it. Can I be happy and accept that maybe I won’t be a mother?
I don’t know exactly what thoughts were running through Reid’s mind. He is a quiet thinker and always a tower of strength. The positive one saying it will happen. Saying we are doing all we can. And probably more able to accept only two of us being a family.
In July I turned 32. It was on that morning that I found out I was pregnant. As you can imagine it was a pretty amazing day. The smile couldn’t be wiped off my face for over an hour. And every hour I was asking myself if it was real. Of course as the day went on so did my thoughts. What if I’m a bad mother? What if we can’t afford it? Where will we be living? We are still so young. Like I said, it’s part of who I am. While celebrating over dinner I could see the fear in Reid’s eyes also. I wasn’t alone in my thoughts.
I’m happy to say I’m now 17 weeks along. It has been a roller coaster of a ride. The 2 months of morning sickness, changing body, constant craving for salty things and incredibly weird dreams. As hard as it is to actually believe it is real, that there really is a little person inside there, I often find my hand on my stomach now waiting for that little nudge to make themselves known.
I’m not sure if my trying to control things will ever change. But I’m slowly learning that sometimes the most amazing things will happen on their own.